Ok, so I can’t believe I’m just now posting this.  This week I’ve been in a bit of a fog….

But I wanted to make sure to show off my newest kit that I released on Saturday its called “Intensit-He” and it it one of my favorites ever.  I honestly just made this kit for the sheer love of it, and I’m thrilled with the way it turned out!

It’s packed full of some really awesome elements, and I’m especially proud of the papers with cool graphic patterns, great true to life boy tones, and awesome texture and grunge!

Since Saturday was my birthday (woot woot – yep 29 baby!) I wanted to celebrate by giving everyone a chance to win 29 dollars to my shoppe!!

All you have to do is scrap with the kit (two more days left!) and post a page, (any page!) to my gallery at Sweet Shoppe Designs!

It’s up at SSD but I keep hearing from people that missed it on Saturday in the new releases section, and since I totally missed posting about it here while it was on sale for the new release 20% off I decided to give everyone a chance to pick it up on sale.

Just use coupon code: Intensit-He

Coupon is good through Saturday so hurry and pick up your kit and get your chance for a 29 dollar gc! Right now there are only a few entries so your chances are pretty good.

Oh, and I wouldn’t ask you all to scrap with out scrapping right along with you now would I?

Hehehe, Isn’t it perfect ?:)

…and as the mother to this 17 month old…

…it is posing a bit of a problem!

You see, one of the issues I’m dealing with in managing my depression, is of course medication – and all the side effects that come along with it. Well it turns out that the medication we found at the hospital that was the most effective for my depression also a medication that lowers my blood pressure.  I’ve always had pretty low bp, and usually get the “wow do you always have this low a bp?” when I go in to the dr’s for check ups.  So the combo of my already low blood pressure, and the medication that is working (thank goodness!) lowering my blood pressure, I get pretty dizzy early in the morning, or if I make any sudden movements, during the day.  My Psychiatrist told me that I have to mindful of when I go from laying to sitting or from sitting to standing, and I have to take several deep breaths and count to ten before I start moving forward.

Well… that’s all well and good, but incase anyone didn’t get the memo – moms kinda need to be able to JUMP UP!  I mean really…  it’s like the #1 thing on my job description, moms (moms of four boys especially) have to jump up and save their kids/home/reputation/other random things from peril – regularly.

So yeah… with my little Tennyson running around like a mad man, and constantly getting in to as much trouble as humanly possible, I’m finding myself having a very hard time following the ten second rule.  Like for example, when he found a full glass of milk on the table and brought it in here to the living room to spin around the room in an outward arc of milky splashy-ness….  Or perhaps maybe you think -eh, who cares about milk scattering about the room here, there and everywhere, definitely not worth the dizzy jump up. (That I did, and ended up having to drop to the floor because I got so woozy – and also, I always get a killer headache from it too).  Well what about later today when he found he could reach a new drawer we didn’t know he could… and he found a GIANT KNIFE!  Seriously… I’m not even kidding… and this was a little bit after the milk, and a little bit before he found a way to get into some sweet and sour sauce and spread it all over his sticky little body…. But here he was, standing in front of me, with one of the knives that is too big to fit in the carving block, so it is in a drawer instead…. a drawer he couldn’t reach last week when we installed all the safety latches…

See… its a problem… I have to jump up!

Well, this weekend we were brave enough to go on our annual MOMS Club camping trip that we’ve been a part of the past several years.  I’ll be honest and say I felt a little hesitant.  Everything feels a little different now to me, and I am always wondering how I’ll “fit” now into my life.  Nevertheless, this is something that the whole family really enjoys, and something that I really wanted to be a part of another year.  We made it when I was pregnant and sick, we made it when we had a little baby (twice! reece our first year and then baby t last year!) so depression wasn’t about to stop us!

It was a great time!  A few of my friends, Brenda and Nikki did a great job posting all about it! So I’ll let them do all the work for me and you can totally read their takes on it for the nitty gritty, and I’ll just post a zillion pictures instead.

First, here’s a Picture of us moms I stole from Brenda:

(from left to right: Brenda, Nikki, Erin, Pam, Helen, Me, Ann, and Tammi)

We are actually missing two of the moms here, and each mom brought a hubby and kids (actually 2-3 kids) so that gives you an idea of how many people we had – it was quite the group!  I did a terrible job of taking group photos, but I did snap this one, just an average moment of all the hubbub going on in the road in front of our campsite, and there are only a few families really represented here, so imagine what it looked like when more of us were around!

Ok, so now some pictures ofcourse of my little camping cuties:

Tennyson stole our little camp-mate’s bike and put a helmet on, he loves putting hats on and then stays as still as possible so that he won’t knock it of:

Reece ready for a game of baseball – which he doesn’t know how to play in the slightest, but he had enough enthusiasm to make up for it, he was in heaven because we shared our campsite with some of his best buds ever – Jackson and Austin.  Reece has been playing with them since he was a baby, and I always joke with their mom that he seems to fit right in their little family.

Here you can see him and Jackson playing ball

Owen was in heaven camping, because there were several little boys his age exactly.  He got to play with his pal Carson, and I got to hear him talk non stop about his pal Carson.  He was so cute, “MOM, Carson is in campsite four. That is campsite four. You got it?  Don’t forget.  Carson is in campsite four.”

Yes Owen.  It is burned into my brain.

Here he is helmeting up, or down.. for a scooter ride.

and here he is in a game that involves some serious running with none other than his friend Carson.

It was really different Camping with a 9 year old.  He was ready for things like walking himself (and his brother – thank God) to the bathrooom alone. He was also a HUGE help with several things, like watching Tennyson for a second while I grabbed something (literally a second though because tennyson… well… we’ll get to that…).  He even pushed him around in the stroller, for a loooooong time while we were packing up and put him to sleep, it was so so sweet.   There are new things to learn though about boundaries and rules with a nine year old…. it’s strange all this learning to let him get bigger and yet holding on too.  He’s such a wonderfully sweet kid, I just want to do it all just right.

Here are a few pics of the cute kids we shared a campsite with, Madison, Austin, and Jackson:

Aww and some more from tennyson, I must say… this is the HARDEST age yet we’ve taken anyone camping!  We took reece at a little under 1, and then right about 2… but goodness gracious this whole 17 month thing is enough to make me crazy!  Talk about boundary issues!  At this age they are so mobile and curious, but with absolutely zero self control!  Tennyson is like extra daring and adventurous too, probably 50% personality and 50% being the youngest of 4 boys, with a whole lotta craziness to look up to!

Here he is eating dirt…. you want some?

Here he is sitting on the table with daddy, he LOVES climbing on things so he was in heaven here!

Here he is escaping the campsite and running far far away from me:

… and here he is running away again….

and he did that again, and again, and again… until we put him in something with a buckle…  poor guy had to spend a good bit of time in his stroller!  Poor mom and dad were SO tired after a weekend of chasing him down!

Oh well!  Next year is bound to be easier!  Imagine camping with a 2 year old, a 6 year old, a 7 year old, and a 10 year old!  WOW!  I’d better cherish the moments till then huh?

Ok… well I’m worn out just reliving it all!

But let me leave you with this cuteness overload:

Well, I know the bloggy’s been a little quiet… it’s sorta been quiet because I can’t figure out what exactly I  should say, shouldn’t say, or where exactly my brain is at any given time… sorta quiet because I’ve been a bit more busy with “real life” around here… but you know, its not the bad kind of busy. I’ve been playing mom with the kiddos, trying to figure out how to keep us all occupied – and sane (sheesh that has a whole new meaning now doesn’t it???) during the last half of this summer. I’ve also been enjoying some of the things I had let go of from my “pre-depressed life.” I’m getting out with the kids to park playdates and making it to some girls night outs. I’ve been working and trying to scrap and take pictures again… So yes I’ve been busy… and on top of all that, I’ve been crossing my fingers and toes, holding my breath, and just…

…waiting…

Earlier this week, Monday afternoon, I was looking up at the sky, it was one of those rare (but wonderful if you ask me) gray cool summer days.  When I looked up at the sky, I could see it. The dark clouds were breaking up and I could see a bright blue sky shinning through… beautiful brilliant sky blue patches… and although I wasn’t really actually craving the sun, I couldn’t help but see what it meant to me. It was shining down on me, the hope of a new season, a bright new day was there. Even better, I could see it. I broke down into tears right then and there… but not the bad same old tears I’d been crying for months now, new tears, good warm tears. I heard the music playing on my car stereo, I saw the vivid colors in the sky and the world around me… people, plants, colors everything was… living… and there I was.  For the first time, in months and months and months I could feel it…

…. I am alive too…

That was the first of several moments this week, it’s hit me; I am feeling less and less – well hopeless I guess. I mean, I am still struggling with my moments of doubt and frustration and fears. I am still not sure that this is the “real thing” so too speak, as far as recovery goes. I do fear very very much that I’m going to start to feel “comfortable” in being you know, normal again, and then the floor will drop out from beneath me and I’ll fall again… only who knows how far or how fast. 

It was such a scary place I was in before, it’s been such a long hard road, and sometimes I wonder how we’ve all made it this far, my kids, my dear wonderful amazing husband, my family… and me too, I have to remind myself to have some compassion for my own self.  Because it has really been a struggle, a battle, for every moment, for every day.  I want to be THROUGH this so bad I can taste it, I want to just jump up and down and wave my arms and yell “victory” and make it mine!  I want to have the control over it in a way that I just do not. 

The truth of it is:  I can’t control this.  I don’t think I’ll ever be normal in the sense that I was before, because depression is my disease, and I will have to continue fight this fight even when I’m well. I’ll never really be able to plant my flag in the territory that is my mind and say “I OWN YOU 100%.”  There are chemicals at work that I just can’t control.  Instead I’ll just have to keep on guard on some level, keep my brain as an “occupied territory” perhaps .  I know that I have to stay aware and stay honest no matter how bright the sky seems on any given day.

But God, I am grateful…

Although I can’t control what is coming, and I can’t be certain that I’m actually through to the end of this cycle of depression.  I do know this.  I saw the sky on Monday.  I’ve made it through this week and I still feel like I’m living here.  I’m holding my breath, I’m hoping and praying that I can still see the sky next week, that I can feel alive the week after that, and the week after, and the week after…

I’m waiting… I’m waiting to see…

But I have to admit, when I realized it was Friday, and that I’ve felt alive since Monday!  I couldn’t help it, I breathed a big deep sigh of relief…. and here I sit, with a few more tears in my eyes, I am grateful for this week.  Also, I’m feeling proud, that I’m here to live it.

I swear, my counters aren’t THAT bad!