(what does the that t stand for anyway?)

Just incase you haven’t caught me going on and on and on about it elsewhere, I wanted to make sure you don’t miss it:

I’m having a CT Call, and today is the last day!  You can get the full scoop HERE.

Just that little fly-by today, but I did update two times last week so if you haven’t been around these parts in awhile just scroll down for fresh news and pictures.

So yesterday was a big important day for us around here!!!  Our Reece graduated from his position in the family as “little Reecey” to a full fledged FIVE YEAR OLD! Wow time really is just flying!

There is something that is extra momentous about REECE becoming a five year old, because not only is he older now, but he is now officially “school aged.”  It just blows me away, because I think in my heart he’ll always hold that special spot of the youngest of the first three.  They were crazy times those days when I had Gareth my four year old and then practically 2 babies!   Some days I look back and wonder how I did it, because it looking back seems like I was really on top of things back then, and today I’m floundering so much with the four of them, even though the three stooges over here have grown up so much! (hehehe the three stooges, I’ll have to pull that one out more!).  But yeah, now that Reece hit 5, it feels like, a whole chapter in my life is sort of ending, that crazy lots of little ones stage.

Now we’re at a new phase, with only one little one on my hip and the three all big kids now!  They’ll all be in school together, and It’s going to be exciting for us I think.  Still I can’t believe we’re there.

I still sort of see my Reecey like this:

My sweet baby that came into our lifes and took us by storm!  He wasn’t a little brother clone like gareth and owen had been and he also didn’t grow to be the super low maintenance type child that the older brothers had been.  From day when when he popped out with his own little look and weighing a full pound lighter then the other two, my Reece has done things his own way! He is bold and smart and probably one of the most charismatic little creatures I’ve ever met in my life.  Reece is Reece and he is going to do things in this world!  With all the challenges I find day in and out trying to shape him and teach him the responsibility and respect that one should have (especially someone with so much inner strength!),  I have to say I love him all the more for all his boldness.  Sometimes I am just in awe of him, there are so many things that I have to learn from him!

So, for his birthday today we did a little photo shoot – I hope we can continue this tradition because its super fun to see what the kids pick to wear and what sort of poses they want to do – I love being able to get a “snapshot” of who they are at this point in their life right now.  Both figuratively and literally!

Here are our top 5 – of Reece Geoffrey at Five!

I really love that not only did I get the pirate face (yes that is still one of his favorite photo expressions “Because MOM thats how I SMILE – people don’t KNOW that mom!”), but I also got the Pirate face WITH five fingers to show his age and a thumbs up!  I also just really love the ones of him laying down, thats the first thing he picked when I asked him what pose he wanted to do .  The last one, well that one is just… priceless classic Reece, excitement just brimming  from his little self, and of course, his mouth wide open, because he is probably saying (ok more realistically YELLING) something totally funny to get a laugh!

My Reece, wow, 5 years old.  Happy birthday to you reecey!

(also, i did more blogging yesterday if you haven’t been around in a while – are you proud? look at me all bloggy and stuff!)

So its been a while since I’ve shared tmi (tmi=too much information, a favorite web acronym of mine) here, so at the risk of being far too honest, I thought I’d post a bit about where I’m at.

As I’ve been stabilizing more and more emotionally (and I really have been more and more thank God!), I’ve been starting to feel more competent to look at my self, look at my life and try to sort of take hold of what is happening inside of me, and what has happened to sort of bring me to the place I’m at.  (I’m sure I’ve said this before) The depression I struggle with is no doubt something chemical and genetic, but at the same time, I know that there are so many things that I CAN do to make my self more healthy emotionally.  I’m really trying to face those things and get my self to the best starting point I can possibly be in.

It’s interesting though, the way that even when I think I am being completely in control and proactive, how I can still totally be oblivious about myself! 

These past few weeks I’ve been taken by surprise at the memories and emotions that are coming back to me that I’ve been holding on to since I was a little girl.  It all started very strange, when I found my self having a really hard time focusing on the here and now. I felt like a constant zig-zag, like I was trying to get things done, but I was miss firing and aiming the wrong angle, and then over compensating the other way…. so to get any thing done, rather than a usual straight line, my brain was thinking in a sequence of zigzags…. does that make sense?… I guess it really didn’t, that’s the point! 

Then physically I just got very agitated… restless and irritated and…  on alert…. its like I couldn’t find calm.  I was getting dizzy, having odd physical symptoms… feeling panicky, and dread… its like the feeling you’d have if you just accidentally flushed 1000 dollars down the toilet and were being hunted by a man eating snake… only you didn’t know what you’d done wrong OR what was coming to get you… you just knew that there was something it was awful.   It really did take me a few weeks to figure out that what I needed most was to I took a deep breath and just think about what was going on inside my head… it is really sort of unnerving the flood of emotions that are beneath all of my distracted-ness and when I stop trying to NOT feel it, it is so present that I hardly can distinguish what I feel now from what I was feeling way back then…

Its kind of amazing, the way that I can find myself suddenly feeling so small all over again. In my appointment last week, as we were talking about it all I could like seriously feel myself shrinking down in the big overstuffed chair I was sitting in.  Just one flash of a reminder and there I am, my little self, my dangly legs can’t touch the floor, the arm of the chair felt so big all of the sudden, and I’m shrinking into a 10 year old. I could see myself sitting there, that little girl trying to deal with a big, world trying to make sense of things she didn’t understand…

It’s almost too much to even type out… and it’s pretty clear that this is going to be a huge process for me.  Figuring it out, finding some peace, learning how to sort of just… let myself, even my “little self”, BE…

Honestly, more than anything, I think I feel confused and overwhelmed by most of what I’m feeling – and a little frustrated too… because as I seem to sort of step out of a depressed place, I’m finding my self stepping into this new place, I guess this would be that honest place I’d been avoiding for so long.  So here I am, thinking, “wow look at what I’m really thinking about!”  Then I’m sort of taken aback, trying to just be here and coexist with these less than pleasant parts of myself too… Sometimes I do ok. Sometimes I totally freak out.  Thats when I find myself even stepping back down into my depressed hole where it almost seems safer than out here in reality you know??

In the mean time, my biggest plan has been to just try to distract and avoid, I mean especially between sessions.  Finding ways of just dealing, and not being totally wrapped up in my emotions all the time.  Sometimes I can do it, sometimes I just can’t…  so instead I just go back to trying to avoid and distract my self….

This week, while munching away on Captain Crunch, I was trying to avoid my inner child. I busied my little self designing away, I was really feeling rather proud, I was thinking.  Look at me, I’m not controlled my my subconscious, That little me doesn’t run the show, I decide when I do and when I don’t feel like a child and I AM FINE, I AM A FREAKING GROWN UP!!!

… and then when I was through, my little self looked up at me from my lap top and said “NaNaNaNANa!”

Because, there it was right in front of me, my little 9 year old self saying “ha!!”

And seriously… its not only that, I’m finding myself doing all sorts of things that are questionably not mature… especially renewed love of Captain Crunch, which I am (embarrassingly) eating for 2 and maybe three sometimes meals a day regularly (in my defense, my tummy has been rather moody, and it seems like the Captain is one of the safest bets for me, but still)… 

But heck, it’s all pretty harmless, and maybe it’s therapeutic in its own way?  maybe?  As long as I don’t start watching Punky Brewster for hours on end (man! Punky Brewster would be awesome though, admit it you’d watch it too!).

So. Yeah. That’s where we are.  Some days, it really feels like I’m doing great and that I’m really like THERE you know, and then other days it feels like I’m barely making it, that I’ll be here treading water just hanging on for a long time to come.

But!  You know what the difference is, is that it never feels anymore like I won’t make it.  I know that I will now. And that right there is enough.

Ok – so if you made it through all of that you are a saint! I just wanted to take the time to tell everyone honestly where I’m at. It really is amazing to be here after where I have been over the past few months.  I mean it was only 2 months ago when I was in the hospital, and things are so so different now.  I’m so grateful, and so proud.  And I’m really blessed too, to have had you supporting me along the way!

More to come, and hopefully by then I’ll have graduated to poptarts or maybe like… red vines or something!

Ok ok, I know I’ve only been posting about work stuff… this is what happens when you are using work to distract yourself and keep yourself busy!

Still, I know you want to see what I’ve been up to! I have been wanting to write a “real post” and i have one in the works… but that’s harder to write than this, and I wanted to post my product today while it’s still 20% off for Sweet Shoppe Saturday!

I’ve had this kit in my head for quite some time, you see I have a new obsession… it is a shoe obsession, and what is funny, is that I’m SO not a girlie girl when it comes to shoes, so I’ve never understood the whole “shoe thing.” I’m a mom, and well before I was a mom, I was just your average person, I spend my time running around, chasing kids, hanging out, walking the mall, you know doing things that involve walking, and that involve being casual… so I don’t do very many heels or strappy sandally things… I mean I’d love to say that I’m all super chic and wearing my hot red heels with jeans and a t to MOMS Club. But I’m not, I mean we’re lucky that I took the time to change into jeans from my cozy jammie pants… so heels are stretching it. I don’t need 1400 pairs, they are pretty sure, right there on the display at Nordstroms, I will just ohh and ahh while I pass them looking rather disheveld in my flipflops on my way to Starbucks for a caffiene jolt so I can have the nerve to look at my dishevled reflection in the next window we pass!

… BUT… recently, I’ve begun to understand the whole “shoe thing,” it was just the matter of finding the right type of shoes because well, I wear tennis shoes. Up till now, I wore my running shoes like all the time. I looked like quite the athlete I’m sure! But yeah, comfy, cozy, easy to you know – chase kids around in… Also, flat which lessens my chance of tripping and falling on my face… Now I’m not saying I DON’T fall, I’m just saying I fall less than I would if I was walking around in pretty heels! So last year, I found this cute pair of converse knock offs at target, they were adorable, black with pink hearts on them, and pink ribbons with the laces. They were just casual and just girlie enough to make me feel comfortable AND adorable. From there, my obsession was born, because I’ve started seeing these great little shoes everywhere, and in all sorts of patterns and colors and well, I find myself thinking that I need them all! My favorites are the ones with elastic under the tongue so you don’t have to do any tying because I’m that lazy. So yes this is when it finally made sense to me… why people do the whole shoe thing, because now I want to too, only I want them all to be tennis shoes please!

So, here they are, the inspiration for my kit:

I am really excited about the way my kit ended up coming together, and I think it explains my love of my shoes well, they feel like ME, not like anyone else. I’m not trying to be just so, I’m not fitting into some classic “this is how you should be” mold, I’m just myself, and my self is a little young at heart when it comes to my shoes! I posted in my description that my sassy little inner child came out to play when I was creating this kit, and I really do feel like there is a lot of my “little self” in this kit:

Fun isn’t it? I really love it! My title came from this song by my favorite artist ever of all time, Lisa Loeb. I think that the shoes/the song/the kit, they all just fit together just so!

I am extra proud of my papers in this kit, I put a lot of time and a lot of creative energy into them, and I’m so super glad I did, because I think they really turned out so wonderfully!

The full kit is just BRIMMING with papers and elements, you can see a full description here. It includes 3 full alphas in the kit itself, but I wanted to make coordinating black and white alphas because I thought it would be a great addition for some pages.

SO I put together the You Don’t Know Me Black and White Alpha:

It includes TWO full alphabets in black and white, and, as you can see in the preview, for this week only you can get it totally FREE with the purchase of the you don’t know me digital kit! To get the additional alpha free, just simply add the kit to your cart and the black and white alpha downloads will be included in your purchase!

The kit is only $6.49, a total steal for a kit with 3 alphas already included! BUT if you get it this week, you get two additional alphas! And if you get it TODAY you can get it all for 20% off which is about $5.19!

Ok, that’s all the advertising I’ve got for you! I really honestly do have an honest to goodness post in the works. It’s just the honest, in the whole honest to goodness part that’s a bit of a struggle. But, I am working on it, and I am going to post soon-ly, so don’t give up on me k? I’m going to be keeping it real, sticking to my commitment of living my truth and not dissapearing into the land of puppydogs and rainbows and… cute tennis shoes. Even as I’m feeling better more often than not, its a balance of being ok, and yet still being honest about not always being ok… thats my battle, and I’m still walking that path… i just have um… a lot of thicket to clear at this particular spot so moving forward has been slow going…

Ok, so this is all, its Saturday and I believe I want to scrap today, so I’m going to go do some shopping myself!

As I am finishing up some work for this week’s Sweet Shoppe Saturday, and getting it all uploaded I was reminded of this clever web comic g sent me the other day:

Probably this is a dead giveaway for how much of a geek I really actually am, that I thought this was one of the funniest comics I’d seen in a while, and also that I was still thinking about it a few weeks later! Hahaha! (if you were one of the few people that hadn’t noticed I’m sort of a computer geek, please just disregard this post!)

Oh, and since I have you here!  Check out this little sneak peak of what I have coming out tonight, I’m really excited about it!

Wanna see more? You can see another sneak peek I made HERE in the Sweet Shoppe Forums.