Today I have been listening to Fly Lady completely randomly, but my house was on my mind as I am trying desperately to figure out how to cram as much cleaning as I can in to my free Thursday with the older boys at school.

I’ve sort of gone in and out of trying to follow the fly lady way of cleaning. Although it works, I seem to get burnt out every time I get into it… I start off completely ridiculously organized with lists as tall as I am of things to get done… my entire day split up into 15 minute segments that have me going morning to bed time non-stop… Then, of course, I burn out.  I try desperately to make myself hold on, to cling to the expectations of perfection that I’ve made for myself… and then I flop, I get tired, I feel overwhelmed… my mood dips and I just throw my hands up to the sky and swear at the universe.  I CAN’T DO THIS.

Which is fitting, because I can’t.  It is too much: I have four kids, I have a job, I have a life that I don’t want to give up.  The more I learn about myself the more I’m seeing that also, the fact that I have a mental illness really plays a part in this stupid roller coaster of ups and downs – visions of perfection to all out wallowing sorrow… the truth is I can’t do it… not the way I expect myself to.

Anyway, today, I am listening to Fly Lady… and I think I’m seeing something that I somehow managed to miss every other time… she actually says that I can’t do this overnight… I’m not supposed to start cleaning all day in 15 min chunks or have a full on schedule for detail cleaning of each room in the house…  just the thought of trying to do that puts me in a bit of a panic, and it should, I have four boys worth of mess and stuff and chaos… perfection is not my first step…. DUH!

Just by coincidence I received this email today from Fly Lady, and just because my house was on my mind, I read it… Its an analogy between how you learn how to float in the water before you learn how to swim, and that is how learning to “fly” is.  That you actually have to learn that by struggling to control it all, you are actually hurting your chances of keeping  your head above water.  That we need to learn to relax in to routines that keep us “floating” so we don’t feel exhausted from treading water.

…When you first learned to swim your teacher taught you how to float. You just lie back in the water and relax and before you know it you are floating without any effort on your part. Your breathing is slow and calm. Your limbs are relaxed and you feel free. But you had to be willing to lie back and relax. If you struggled you would sink. It is that willingness to let go that keeps you afloat… You don’t always have to be in control; you can turn on your automatic pilot and allow your routines do the work to keep your head out of the water… Before, the thrashing of your arms and legs along with the stress of feeling like you were drowning had kept you from be able to listen. As things start to calm down you will have new ears to hear. You can do this! After all what you have been doing just has you treading water furiously and you are barely keeping your head above the waves….

I don’t know, for me this just spoke to more than my attitude about my house.  This is the attitude I have tended to have about my whole life.  Just diving in the deep end and swimming for dear life… its been sink or swim.  It’s ironic too because I actually can’t float, I get into water and if I’m not swimming, or actively treading water then I’m sinking like a log.  I don’t have that skill instinctively – the ability to just lie back and relax… Instead I’m constantly clutching, I’m flailing, I’m racing… but I’m losing!  I’m sputtering and before I know it I feel like I can’t even keep my head above water.  That’s when I DO crash and burn.

It’s interesting because in therapy we have had to work on like basic life skills, relaxing, breathing, feeding myself, actually paying attention to what my body and my brain are telling me… and there is a huge chunk of me that just feels like I might explode if don’t I hurry up and start changing things.  Like if I’m not throwing myself into the deep end of my emotional health that I’ll somehow never get anywhere. Today I can sort of see how slow and careful, how learning how to change the way I treat myself, slowly shifting my perspective, learning new skills one baby step at at a time is actually changing things for me.

I am having an up day, so it is easier to hear and accept right now, but I think maybe in general I can just see it better now.  Maybe my vantage point is better from here in the shallow end….  I see it…

FlyLady doesn’t want me to start right off the bat with a list from here to sundown… but with one little habit at a time.  I know its not going to change overnight – I can see that too right now… but maybe one little baby step at a time I’m getting somewhere… here at home, and in my life as a mom and emotionally, and just generally as a human being.

One new little step at a time, maybe I can get a handle on things.  Maybe I can even accept that I’m already sorta-kinda on my way.

And who knows even, maybe next time I’m in a pool, I’ll be able to just lean back, stop struggling… and let myself float.