Wooo!!  I’m so excited about the Heroes Season Premiere tonight – g and I are both big sci-fi lovers, and since the very first episode, we have always made a tradition of watching it together on Monday nights and we’ve both been waiting anxiously for it to be back!

YAY!  The countdown is on! Less then 12 more hours till I snuggle up with my honey and some take out for the big event!

So… in order to get myself back into blogging, I decided to play along with my dear friend Lauren‘s blog.  She is doing something weekly on her blog called “Truthful Tuesdays” and I just love it.  One day a week of no holds barred honesty about whatever it is that is on her mind.  I think it is always a challenge to be upbeat positive and informative on your blog… and yet not lose that honesty that I think gives a blog something special.  Anyway, since la started doing truthful Tuesdays I’ve been dying to play along… but gotten busy and didn’t for some reason…. so this week I’m determined!

… the only thing is… my “truth” this week isn’t very serious… and actually it’s a bit silly… but I’m supposed to just put it all out there what ever is on my brain right??? So… here you have it… (it’s all Lauren’s fault!)

don’t laugh…

So… LOL… This is a picture I took of myself this weekend…

…in the dress..

…I wore to my HIGH SCHOOL GRADUATION!

LOL yes yes I know, it is REALLY age inappropriate… I realize I look more like a 14 year old in this dress than a respectable 28 year old mom of 4… and also… I know no one actually wants to see that much of my thigh… LOL but seriously MY HIGHSCHOOL GRADUATION….

I don’t know why I have this dress anymore… actually yesterday when I was cleaning my room, and straightening up my closet, I tried on about 8 dresses that I own that really have no business still being in my wardrobe… and considering the fact that (up till now) I haven’t even come close to fitting in these clothes for 8 years… I really don’t know why they were in there!

But… now that I found them… and tried them all on… I can’t even explain how good it made me feel.  After having Gareth… and then the other three, I just was sure that one of the many things I was giving up forever as a mom, is my old “little teeny tiny person” status.  It was actually really really hard for me.  I spent the whole first part of my life being smaller than everyone around me.  At five feet tall, I’ve always been the shortest,  but it was more than that too… I have smaller bones, I have a little frame, and I was always effortlessly pretty thin, it was just who I was… shawna is small…

So when I had kids, and moved into average, and even “overweight” brackets  (CURSE YOU BODY MASS INDEX!) , it was really really hard for me to sort of redefine my self image.  I never would have thought before that I was excessively vain, but I see now that my size has always defined me more than I knew… who knows maybe we are all very defined by our size/appearance… or more so by the way we feel about ourselves.

So…… yes I’m rambling… honest no holds barred shawna is a bit all over the place… it can’t be helped…

So… for the past 9 years, I’ve always always said, that once we are done having kids I would really buckle down and loose weight.  I told myself (over and over and over) that I’d get into the “normal” bmi range (again, curse you BMI!).  But that I had to be realistic, that I had to realize I’d given up teeny tiny me when I gave birth to 4 precious boys, and you know I think I was even at peace with that.

Tennyson marked our last baby (its COMPLETELY OFFICIAL now – really you read about it at that link on g’s blog).  So as I have mentioned a few times over the past few months.  In April, at 2 months postpartum, I decided it was time to make good on my promise, and I did it!  I signed up for Weight Watchers Online, started counting my points religiously, and I also started doing the couch to 5 k program that I seriously loooove (read all about it here if you missed that post).

With in 3 months, I lost the 20 pounds that was my firsts goal.  I got into the normal BMI (curses bmi!) range, and I fit into all my clothes from before I was preggers with t.  Then I thought, you know, what the heck, I’m just going to see what more I can do… I mean i KNOW I’ll never be as small as I was pre kids, but maybe I can settle somewhere a bit lower than I have ever been as a mom….

I kept working, watching my calories, running consistently about 5 times a week.  And 5 months later here I am!  I’m actually with in about 1 to 5 pounds of what I weighed as a highschooler! I’m not all the way down to what I was pre-gareth, but seriously I weighed between 98 and 101 pounds in college when I got pregnant (instead of gaining the freshman 15, I seemed to loose the freshmen 10)… so that would be a really really lofty goal!

So… yes… truthfully, today on Tuesday – I feel dang proud!  I feel healthy and stronger and for mercies sake, I feel pretty hot! hahaha!

Here’s a few more for you, just for the sake of putting it ALL out there LOL

Here’s my Jr. Prom dress:

and also, another random dress that is highly age inappropriate, but I’m telling you, I feel pretty good in this one!  Maybe there is some sort of skank fest or something I can wear it to with out feeling like I stand out too much! Hahaha, just kidding…. sorta .

Really, Its totally not toooo bad… as long as I don’t have to bend over…

I’m just forewarning you that if you live in my neck of the woods you may or may not see me wandering around Fred Meyer’s in one of these puppies! …. In the words of my dear friend Casey… “I’m just sayin’”.

Anyway… um… yeah… yay me!  I’ve lost over 30 pounds now and countless inches.  I’m up to running 2.5 miles straight (25 mins) with out feeling like I’m going to die.  And… I feel… finally… a bit less like a “mom,” and a bit more more like the ME that I’ve always been.  I really value being a mom, it is makes up SOOOO much of my world…. but it is also nice to remember that there is more to me… (or less of me in this case!) and that as I work to balance it all, and find my place in my life… I can still be… well… me…

How long have you been married? Married 8 years now.
Where did you meet? Grove City College in NE Pennsylvania.
How long did you date? Long story short, about 2 years.
How old is she? 30 (LOL ooooold man!)
Who eats more? Well now that I’m doing Weight Watchers he does, but before hand I think I held my own!
Who said “I love you” first? Me definitely, wayyyy too soon, but I’m all about saying I love you!
Who is taller? G by a full foot!
Who sings better? … umm how about who sings MORE? G, hands down.
Who is smarter? George is pretty much the smartest person I know.
Whose temper is worse? No doubt, mine is.
Who does the laundry? I do mostly, but since T has been born g helps out with this a TON, 6 people make a lot of dirty clothes!
Who sleeps on the right side of the bed? Me, but we just switched when t was born because the right side was where the bassinet fits.
Who pays the bills? G does all the budgeting and financial stuff, but I mail the checks.
Who cooks dinner? Mostly me, but lately it is more like what can we throw on the table and we both do that.
Who drives when you are together? Always G.
Who is more stubborn? Ummm, yikes, we are both sticklers about different things, but in the end I think I’m more of a pleaser, so he is more stubborn.
Who kissed whom first? Oh my gosh I have NO idea – probably g kissed me, because I’m sort of a loser when it comes to making moves.
Who is the first to admit to being wrong? I think probably I am… but I could be wrong
Whose parents do you see the most? Mine, G’s parent’s live on the other side of the country.
Who proposed? Long story short, G did.
What’s his best physical attribute? Everything I think to say sounds so cheesy! We’ll go with I love his hands.
Who has more friends? Me, g is very particular about his friends
What are you most proud of her for? He is the most amazing person I know, so it is hard to choose, but he is an incredible dad – I love that about him.
Who has more siblings? G has 3 siblings, I have 2.
Who wears the pants in the family? I’d say definitely g, although by “wears the pants” I mean “gives me everything I want”

See, isn’t that fun?

Who else wants to play???

Movin’ - Well this weekend was BIG in my word, because the kids have been asking to play on the computer more and more, we have been trying to figure out the best solution for how to make that happen – add to that the fact that I’ve started playing with my paper crafting again, and it was starting to take over the living room a bit – so we decided it was time to move g’s computer out of our room and set it up so the boys could use it too – Friday we hit up IKEA, and picked up a desk and chair so we could set up a space in our playroom/family room area:

Also, because Gareth is out of school for the summer, the timing couldn’t be better to set up a new activity for him and a new rewards system to encourage good behavior and doing chores. So I set up a little rewards system where the boys can all earn time for playing on the computer or for playing video games:

The boys were very excited about decorating their own envelopes, and so far it has been great, especially for Mr. Gareth who in all his almost 8-year-oldness needed a bit encouragement to get his attitude in check about doing his chores. Each little ticket is worth 30 mins, and they earn them by doing the chores I ask them to do (with 1 warning/reminder or less) after 2 short days, I have to say I’m feeling rather impressed with my idea – I think it will be great for us this summer!

As if that isn’t enough – I now have MY OWN SPACE at the desk in our bedroom, AND I was able to take all my poor neglected craft supplies out of hiding in the garage, and set up a craft space for myself again! Look at this great space:

I can’t help but feel inspired looking at it all, and I’m SOOOOO anxious to get to play with my paper more now!!! Hybrid scrapping here I come!

Changin’: Well believe it or not, as I type this, I have only 26 minutes remaining until I am a mother to an EIGHT YEAR OLD! I just can not believe that I’ve been at this mom thing for so long! Well on Sunday we met my parents for lunch, because it is my Dads birthday too (today happy birthday dad!) And they decided spur of the moment to take our 3 older guys (poor little t is too young still to go!) The boys had a blast, and my Gareth got roller-blades for his birthday! Also, Grandpa taught him to ride his bike with out training wheels! We haven’t done a ton of bike riding because Gareth is always glued to his scooter, but now that he has a taste of the two wheel action he is HOOKED!

Here’s a picture of Him zooming along:

And, the boys all together I have a feeling our summer will be filled with lots of scenes like this:

And as if that isn’t enough changing for this poor mama’s heart with my oldest turning 8, riding bikes, finishing second grade, and roller-blading around, my youngest is also changing on me! Today Tennyson is officially FOUR MONTHS OLD! He had his four month check up and the Dr. said (and I quote) “He is absolutely perfect”

Here is all 14.2 pounds of him at the Dr’s office:

and a little “hi, I’m four months old” face for you too:

Poor little guy got 4 shots and is not as happy with me now as he was earlier in the day, I know it is short term, but I hate to see him all sad! I’m hoping he feels better tomorrow!

and finally Shakin’: So, although I had a bit of a snag with my whole treadmill fiasco – we are lucky to have some great weather again, and I so tonight I jumped into week FOUR (that means I’m almost half way to 5k!) It was the hardest run yet, but I felt GREAT afterwards…. I guess we will see tomorrow what my poor body thinks! I am feeling very proud of myself though, not only am I still working hard and running, I also am down 16 pounds now since I started working at it at the end of April, and I feel GREAT…. I am as thin as I’ve been since I had baby 2, 3 and 4 – I still have a bit of a ways to go, but my goals seem really with in my reach now!

Since I’m all picture-y in this post I thought I’d share my picture I took tonight after I came home from my first day of week 4!

I think the flash was a bit intense because you can’t tell that my face was BRIGHT RED, but I really was feeling pretty dang good!

Well there you have it! things are moving right along around here! Tomorrow is gareth’s 8th birthday so I’m sure we’ll keep ourselves busy celebrating, and of course there is designing to do, and kids to feed and a house to clean, so I guess getting some sleep would be called for. I have to say, I’m not really one for things getting predictable and the same day in and day out. So one thing I love about having a big family and being a mom in general is that things are ever changing, and really don’t “settle” (funny how they call it settling down!) I’m sure tomorrow will bring all sorts of action I can’t wait to share!

So last week I was all determined to keep with my couch to 5 k program, and so I hopped on the good old treadmill in the garage, and what do you know – it starts SHOCKING me and then shutting off…. first time it did it I just started right back up, but then the next time it did it I got suspicious…. and when it did it a third time and all the digital readouts just read “EEEEE” I decided I’d stop getting myself shocked and called it a day.

So now I’m sad, and lonely with out my running buddy – and I’m frustrated!  I looked on craigslist but mostly I was finding “only used a few times” thousand dollar ones… and I don’t need anything fancy – plus i’m not too keen on spending all my money!

So what the heck, I’m putting out the call – do you have a dusty unused (working!) treadmill you are wanting to pass off??? Seriously if you live in the portland/vancouver area and you know of a lonely treadmill needing a friend, then I’m soooo the person to take it off your hands!

In the mean time you will find me praying for nice weather and hounding craigslist and garage sales until I can replace my lost love.

So I (ate a few bites of pie… seriously) then I got my running clothes on and ran out the door, evening was nearing and I had to beat the sun. As soon as I started out I felt a bit of a sprinkle and almost turned back, but I was determined…

I think this was my favorite run yet – after running this run twice before, I felt totally capable running tonight, and you could just feel the rain threatening to fall – the air was so rich. Half way through my run the rain started falling on me, and at first I was thinking “oh man!” – but then I realized – duh – I LOVE THE RAIN… I love living in the northwest because I honestly LOVE the feeling of the rain, and often fantasize about just going out and playing in it…. SO I think my new favorite feeling ever is running in the rain – it was so incredibly refreshing, it didn’t rain too hard, but I kept wishing the sky would just open up and let it loose!

I am home now, feeling so incredibly refreshed, proud – and really ready to start week three! Next time it is a bit rainy I know better than to use that as an excuse not to get out there and run, maybe one of these days I’ll go out and run when it’s pouring and soak it all in!

The premise of the Sugar Free Challenge is to scrap those not so picture perfect things in our lives and to capture a piece of ourselves that we might normal keep hidden. Ever since I started scrapping I have loved making cathartic pages, there is something extra therapeutic about using my favorite art to work through struggles and emotions that are consuming me at any given time.

Anyways, so as time went on I got busier and we started sharing the challenge with all the staff members, so I haven’t hosted it in quite some time – but this week I finally signed up to host again. The timing ended up being perfect because my frustration with feeling like depression is always lurking just on the fringe of my sense of sanity was really on my mind these past few weeks. It was good for me to get it out there and to work through it.

Here’s my page:

All in all I think it really helped me to look at my struggle with depression, not as something that I have to completely beat and be all happy forever… but instead to realize that my victory is in the fact that I continue to fight, and that although it threatens me, it doesn’t have to consume me.

And you know if it does consume me… I know I can face that too.

I challenged everyone to “scrap their demons” because we all have things that we have to face regularly, battles that we fight again and again. And we all should give ourselves a bit of credit for fighting that fight, and making it through to an brand new day.

So far I haven’t had any takers brave enough to play along…. perhaps I’m the only scrapper masochistic enough to want to put these things out there for the world to see…. but I’m telling you I feel 100 times stronger after putting out there and scrapping it. So seriously if you are a scrapper, I challenge YOU to play along. You don’t really have to post it, or if you feel the need you can blur your journaling, but I’m telling you you will feel lighter when you are done!

If you do play, let me know, I’d LOVE to see your page!

I have to say, YAY for memorial day weekend! It was so refreshing to have some extra family time, and because G has Fridays off, and Gareth was off school on Friday too, it feels like this was the weekend that just kept on giving!

Friday I was able to enjoy a playdate at a friend’s house, and then Saturday we all went over to another friend’s for literally a 6 HOUR rockband marathon for the guys, and I broght my lappy too so there was some scrapping time for me!

Sunday we had a great lunch out with my parents and my sister and her husband, and then we waved goodbye to everyone AND the three older kids, so that g and I could have some down time with just Tennyson (which pretty much felt like no kids at all in comparison to our usual crew)! We shopped, we went out to a nice dinner, we came home and watched a movie, and then then this morning we went out to coffee (like ACTUALLY OUT to coffee where we could sit and drink our Starbucks in peace!) and then we went to Ikea and had time to browse, and to make plans for updating a bit of the furniture in our livingroom!

Then tonight after g picked up the kids while I cleaned up the house, I got to go enjoy a cool dry evening and started week 2 of my Couch to 5K program and went running OUTSIDE, a real treat here in the northwest. (and MAN did this week’s run push me more than the first week)

All in all, it was soooo refreshing, I must confess I was starting to feel a bit droopy last week – no clue what triggered it, but the days were feeling long, and things were feeling a bit mundane. For me, it is just one of those things, there is always that threat that the blues will hit me again, and it was feeling a bit like depression was getting closer, threatening my sense of peace.

Memorial Day weekend could not have come at a better time, and I LOVED the change of pace. I feel ready now to face a new week and get some stuff done – hopefully designer Shawna can kick it up a notch and get a bunch of the things done that are on my plate. All the while hanging on to this long weekend high.

Now… it’s back to the grindstone people, have a good Tuesday everyone!

4 weeks ago, I started weight watchers, a HUGE step for me, because I’ve never counted calories or put myself on a healthy eating type diet (and although I know that something like atkins can make me shrink down fast, I’m looking to change my lifestyle, eating, body, permanently). I’m doing it online (mostly because I’m really not looking to spend my few free nights out at meetings and weigh ins. So far I’m really proud of my progress (9 pounds baby!)

I’ve been working some pilates in a few times a week, and I told myself that after a bit I would start working myself back up to running again. I have gotten into running a few times over the past few years (actually – it looks like I posted about my new friend the treadmill on my blog almost 3 years ago) and everytime I LOVE it, it is absolutely empowering, and stress relieving and every time when I’m through with a run I feel like I am superwoman! Even just 15 or 20 mins makes me feel like I can move mountains, and I’ve secretly had this dream of running really running maybe even a little marathon or something. But because I’m me I tend to burn myself out, or push myself too hard and then get overly sore… or maybe I just get distracted (also a highly likely because I am myself).

Well now that it’s been four weeks of low key pilates and eating right, I knew it was time to start running again too.  But just like when I’m facing the question of weightloss, this time, I really want to do it RIGHT. I want to start running regularly, and in a way that I can train my body instead of just beat the crap out of it. I’ve been thinking about looking for a running for dummies book or something, and I’ve started asking the people that I know that run but mostly I just get “oh yeah I’ve always ran” or something like that. But then randomly last week I randomly ran across an awesome blog from a fellow mom (who I don’t know at all actually I happened to click on the right link), and she is doing something called “Couch to 5k.” I got very excited, because that is JUST what I was looking for. Imagine how thrilled I was too, when I googled it and found that the program was just available online at a site called “cool running” and that it was totally doable for me (running three times a week, and only 20 -30 mins, the amount of time I can actually work into my schedule!). The plan is 9 weeks long, and gradually works you up to being able to run 5k (about 3 miles) on a regular basis, and I can’t WAIT!

So I told g about my big plan, and being the amazing guy he is, he spent his Sunday cleaning out our garage so that we could get to our burried treadmill (our garage looks so great now too!). And tonight I put in my headphones and started day one of week one. The dusty treadmill didn’t seem too angry about being abandoned for so long, because it rolled right along, and running (and walking) felt GREAT tonight. I know I only ran in 60 second intervals…. which was almost hard to limit myself to, but by the end of the work out I could see why it was a good plan, because I really do feel great! And, you know, with my blood pumping, my heart beating and my muscles feeling so alive – I think, I may actually BE super woman.

Really though, It does feel great to know that I have a plan, and that I’m working toward my goals. My body is happy and healthier than it’s been in soooo long, and I already can’t wait till the next run!

Well when I got pregnant with number four, I realized that it officially, (i think) puts me in the “big family” category. We may not have 18, but  you know what, it definitely feels right just like this with four. All six of us together fill our minivan, we fill a restaurant booth to the brim, and our little home is definitely all filled up with sweet children!

Several weekends ago, we had some beautiful weather, so g and I took the kids to Multnomah Falls, and he took this picture of me and the kids – my first picture of me and my full family – my four boys.

(yep, I scrapped it, ofcourse!)

The journaling says: “A photo I will forever cherish, and the first I hope of many to come. One proud mommy and her 4 amazing sons. My perfect family – all seems right in the world, when I’m surrounded by my 4 boys. My Life is Sweet.” See the full credits HERE.

This will forever be such a special picture to me, and I can’t help but feel sooooo very lucky….
I’m not a person who usually sets goals and dreams for myself, I’ve never had big plans for the future (especially the type that I actually expect to achieve, hahaha) – but now here I am looking back to those dreams I had as a little girl of being a mom, with my big family…  Look at me now, it has happened for me, my dreams have come true.